Brutal Honesty

This is going to be very random and all over the place...just as my thoughts are today. When I was a child, I had a certain picture in my mind of what life was like in my house, with my friends, all around me in general. I interpreted things as a child would and it became my reality. People can grow up in the same family even and have a different reality. I think in becoming an adult, I am finding things out that I never knew, or putting things together as an adult with a little more knowledge does, and my "child reality" has really been turned upside down.

A few weeks ago I traveled out of state with 2 of my sisters to a funeral of a dear uncle. It was a very quick trip, 90% of which was spent in the car, just talking. We talked about our lives and growing up and so many things that they perceived differently than I did as a child. Maybe it was because I was the youngest, maybe it was because I saw things I wanted to believe, or maybe I am just completely oblivious. :) They would say, "Lindsey, you were there...how can you not remember that or how could you have thought it was this way or that way?" They weren't being negative at all, in fact, it was an amazing trip and very eye opening for me.

Last night Jason and I had one of the most honest and candid discussions that we have ever had in our 11 years of marriage. Once again, it was very eye opening for me and some things are not as I perceived again. It was a great discussion and one that I know we were both glad to have. Another event also happened this weekend that opened my eyes to the world and I wish it never happened. Another thing that changed in me as an adult instead of sticking to my childlike reality.

Maybe I just think that life is always filled with sunshine, rainbows and butterflies. Maybe I just think that it always should be. Maybe I think that, in general, people are good and have good intentions. Maybe I am naive, maybe ignorant to some things. Maybe I think that I am supposed to have more joy than sadness in my life. Maybe I just feel different today. Maybe I feel like my eyes have been opened to a lot of things and I am glad, but part of me wishes they were still closed...and that was reality. I am not sure about this whole adult part of life. I wonder if I have been basing my confidence on what others think about me. When I feel loved and special and unique do I have more confidence than when I feel like I am just here treading water trying to stay afloat and no one notices? I don't like losing the positive, rainbows and butterflies person that I am. Maybe it's annoying, maybe it's unrealistic, but maybe that's just me. How do I keep it around, when so many things are thrown at me and it would just be easier to take a different view of life? It's amazing that in my 30s I am rediscovering myself and my reality again. I am sure it will keep happening forever, it just has its moments. I think I just feel a little numb right now. Change and growth are good. I can't expect things to stay the same forever or I would never grow. I think I am fighting this a little and I just want to come out on top. So there are my random thoughts for the day. I am not sure this made me feel better and I am not sure if this even made sense. Whatever! :)